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[27 Sep 2005|09:37pm] |
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Chevelle. |
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Yeah...I really fucked things up. If ur my friend u know what i'm talking about. I don't think I will at school tomorrow. I need time for me. I feel so childish and like everything I worked for and wanted so bad is just slipping out of my hands because of me. I'm such a slut. I feel like I can't live with my self but the only reason I do is because of Rory. He means so much to me, I didn't even realize how much untill I did what I did. I want to spend the rest of my life with him...
I called ryan so many times just to tell him to fucking not talk to me but he wasn't home at all. Last night I told him I don't think we will be talking anymore and we talked a little bit and the last words he said were ' we have a connection call me tomorrow'. Yeah well connection failed because I have more important things, more important people I have to worry about.
Rory and me, well I guess were not talking for a bit. I never not talked to him, it hurts. I hurt him :(, I fucking hate me, god I wish I would just get hit by a bus or someone would murder me because I think if I was dead I would feel better because I would feel nothing. Its all my fault. GOD, I thought I felt bad b4, well that dosn't even compare. Things happen for a reason....I shouldn't be to hard on my self. WELL I don't know what the reason was for this, there is no explanation for what I did. I have to live with this for the rest of my life....I will not forgive me.
I made things bad for the both of us. It use to be, everthing little thing I did I had us in mind. What the fuck what I thinking, I want answers from my self that I don't have. Why didn't I just say no, or why did I just not talk to him. Yeah will don't say i'm a slut when u comment because I know how \ I scandalous I can be. FUCK! All I can do is wait, and thats what i'm gunna do, is wait. Wait for him, think about the whys and just try to be me again...this is soo shity. I put this on my self. Don't leave sympathy comments I dont need it.
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[16 Sep 2005|05:18pm] |
Yesterday me krissy and jenny chilled and well we caused alota shit. It was funny. First we crused passed The AJ house at normal pased and they got all mad. THEN we did it again and they thew a garbage can at us!!! We found them being so pissed off we SPED DOWN THE STREET AT 50 MILES AN HOUR OR MORE!!! They hit the car with a hoola hoop that time. SO, that was so awesomely funny that we just went by one more time....and then ted came by the house and started yelling at us and shit, cuz hes gay. He told krissy's dad we were high and shit. HES SUCH A NIGGER. Hes so awsome to piss off. umm I don't care if he hates me or if seth does or if ashely does or if anyone does cuz ya wanna know why. We are 'friends' but I know if I needed someone to be there for me, it wouldn't be them. They don't care about me, they have there thing and I have mine. I'm a complete out cast to them. So FUCK IT. What do I care if they never talk to me again or yell at me.
oh yeah...I LOVE MY RORZ
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[01 Sep 2005|09:21am] |
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Iv been busy with working and getting everything for rory ready and the end of summers up so i'v been going out more cuz ya know...ITS THE END OF SUMMER. I GET TO SEE RORY TODAY!!! Umm I'm so excited, haha i'm goin on my first date ever tomarrow. I'm such a loser that my first date is on my first one year annerversy. Oh well, i'm glad its with rory. AHHH I'm sooo excited and thankful and happy and I just can't belive I been with him for a year, its amazing. I wannna marrie him..haha I hope he likes what i got him. I don't think i'v ever been so happy and nevous and just wow its a wierd feelin. AHHH i'll update saturday about what happens while i'm up there.
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[14 Aug 2005|12:48pm] |
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woot woot |
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Well, I went to rorys house and camping..camping was really fun. We took sexy pics on the beach and barbe q stuff and went for a 2 1/2 mile trail walk...IN THE DARK. Sunday I got home from camping, and then I went to rorys. The first day at rorys, I spend the ngiht at lindelys and we went to jessies and Jordens. The rest of the days I stayed at rorys...I love my rory SOO much. I made him dinner one night to, idk I love bein nice to him and makin him happy. Our one year is soo close and I almost got everything tookin care of...idk he just called so i'm off to talk to him
byez
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| i love krisy, I love rory, I love krissy, I love rory |
[06 Aug 2005|07:24am] |
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Dashboard Confessional - Living in your letters |
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Hmm I wonder who updated my journal last, hehe! Yeah Krissy and I are goin camping today, untill sunday. Then, sunday lindsey is picking me up and i'm goin to spend the night at her house for somedays then rorys!!! I LOVE RORY :) :). I'm so glad shes letting me stay at her house for a little bit, shes such a nice person, I think I will give her a great big hug and some cookies, OH and gas money, :). I'm in sucha good mood and ITS 7:00 in the morning. THese last couple of days I havn't been a loner lately, and I like it. I just havn't gave a fuck, and had fun. Not the drug huggin fun I usualy have, but the board games with krissy and painting my toe nails fun...matter of fact I think they need a paint job, and stuff so thats what i'm gunna do, paint my nails, and then call rory at 9. Yeah i'm happy
I LOVE RORY
I LOVE KRISSY
Hot dogs and marshmellows yay :)
mmm and one big sausage.
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| i love krissy i love krissy i love krissy i love krissy i love krissy |
[03 Aug 2005|12:28am] |
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i love krissy |
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i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
HOOK A NIGGA UP.
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[01 Aug 2005|02:10pm] |
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Yeah....anyways last night steve and I worked on some of our songs, and I got to see the new lyrics and stuff. We were also vary wasted....ha. Austin adn steve did things that I could only tell my friends haha...I wouldn't post there embarssing drunk behaveor on lifejournal...
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[01 Aug 2005|04:05am] |
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today I sleeped untill I could..got up, saw jon *who is doin great* went to work..steves and got drunk and did alot of learnin about my style of singing for the band...and now i am here to drunk to type much more
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| Jon |
[31 Jul 2005|04:39pm] |
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System of a Down - SUGAR!!! |
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He really dosn't know how sick he was...alot of his organs failed the other night. Yesterday he started to feel better and I think everythings gunna be okay. Hes not gunna be better in a week, he will need after care for like 5 years..but in five years about he will be allll better!!!!! Yeah hes funny, he was telling us about his bag in the hostople today, and we messed with his lazor on his figure...hehe, it was cool.
I feel so better that hes gunna be better. I mean, how would jazz be, I think he made it into jazz. IDk i love jazz, um I am soo sleepy. The fuckers woke me up at like eh...10:30. 10:30 AM...MAN...thats early right for me. WOW...I think i'm gunna drink some coffie. I work untill midnight...after that i'm gunna talk to rory and go to bed. wow what day....and its not done yet.
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| My plan has failed |
[31 Jul 2005|01:38am] |
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It seems that being scared and sticking the plan dosn't help me much. See, I'v always just hid my feelings...exsept here, and with rory and steph. I think i'm just gunna hide it all, life goes better that way. I mean i'll tell you how my day went...and how i'm 'feeling' but nothing to deep, anymore. I can't have anyone able to use this agest me. I will not set my self up. Life is pretty shitty at the moment and I just have to pull thew.
i'm scared to let rory get any closer. I think hes all the way there but, I just don't know. The only person who has knew me all the way was steph and, now...shes kinda gone, and she has all this dirt on me and i know she would use it if she had the chance. Well I just don't give a fuck anymore. And when I do start giving a fuck no one will know...except maybe rory because he usualy knows everything that goes on with me even if I don't tell him. Thats scary all in its self because I can't hide around him. Hes the only person who doesn't allow me to be 'locked in a cage' and keeped in side the comfort zones I have created.
I feel he loves me so much that he just wants to see it all, and up untill now I have had no proublem showing him and giving him it all. Well I did untill 6 months, but then I get scared. Not untrusty, but just scared. Hes the only person I really trust with anything, him and krissy. For somereason though I could tell krissy anything becauyse I know she isn't the type of person to use it aggest you. Rory isn't either I just, don't know. I love him, I just somethings think that he dosn't want to hear it, or that i'm making his day like shit by sharing my emotional bull shit with him.....thats all I am...emotional BULL shit....thats all any of this is iz bullll shit,.
Friends, they come and go he says. The way I see it is I don't welcome tomany people in to my life, and vary few people try to get personal with me so, if they leave I feel like I screwed my self. BUT, i'll always be this deperessed S.O.B. cuz thats the shitty life god has planed for me. Atleast for now. Once I start really liveing and seeing rory more and spending mroe time with him...I think i'll be happier and able to not be sooo worried about my feelings with him. He treats me great, its just me, and how I think. Thats why I like gettin high, cuz I don't think so much, I just chill, I wish I was stoned ALLLLL the time. That would great.
Then...after I type alll this I think, what am I thinking duh, I can tell rory everything, nothing will happen, THEN I think everything I type. Maybe theres smoething wrong w/ me. Do they have anything for a scattered brained person....hah. Maybe i'll be better tomarrow
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