SLeep, eat, smoke

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 02:02:53 GMT

Yeah...I really fucked things up. If ur my friend u know what i'm talking about. I don't think I will at school tomorrow. I need time for me. I feel so childish and like everything I worked for and wanted so bad is just slipping out of my hands because of me. I'm such a slut. I feel like I can't live with my self but the only reason I do is because of Rory. He means so much to me, I didn't even realize how much untill I did what I did. I want to spend the rest of my life with him...
I called ryan so many times just to tell him to fucking not talk to me but he wasn't home at all. Last night I told him I don't think we will be talking anymore and we talked a little bit and the last words he said were ' we have a connection call me tomorrow'. Yeah well connection failed because I have more important things, more important people I have to worry about.
Rory and me, well I guess were not talking for a bit. I never not talked to him, it hurts. I hurt him :(, I fucking hate me, god I wish I would just get hit by a bus or someone would murder me because I think if I was dead I would feel better because I would feel nothing. Its all my fault. GOD, I thought I felt bad b4, well that dosn't even compare. Things happen for a reason....I shouldn't be to hard on my self. WELL I don't know what the reason was for this, there is no explanation for what I did. I have to live with this for the rest of my life....I will not forgive me.
I made things bad for the both of us. It use to be, everthing little thing I did I had us in mind. What the fuck what I thinking, I want answers from my self that I don't have. Why didn't I just say no, or why did I just not talk to him. Yeah will don't say i'm a slut when u comment because I know how \ I scandalous I can be. FUCK! All I can do is wait, and thats what i'm gunna do, is wait. Wait for him, think about the whys and just try to be me again...this is soo shity. I put this on my self. Don't leave sympathy comments I dont need it.

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 21:18:34 GMT

Yesterday me krissy and jenny chilled and well we caused alota shit. It was funny. First we crused passed The AJ house at normal pased and they got all mad. THEN we did it again and they thew a garbage can at us!!! We found them being so pissed off we SPED DOWN THE STREET AT 50 MILES AN HOUR OR MORE!!! They hit the car with a hoola hoop that time. SO, that was so awesomely funny that we just went by one more time....and then ted came by the house and started yelling at us and shit, cuz hes gay. He told krissy's dad we were high and shit. HES SUCH A NIGGER. Hes so awsome to piss off. umm I don't care if he hates me or if seth does or if ashely does or if anyone does cuz ya wanna know why. We are 'friends' but I know if I needed someone to be there for me, it wouldn't be them. They don't care about me, they have there thing and I have mine. I'm a complete out cast to them. So FUCK IT. What do I care if they never talk to me again or yell at me.

oh yeah...I LOVE MY RORZ

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 14:26:21 GMT

Iv been busy with working and getting everything for rory ready and the end of summers up so i'v been going out more cuz ya know...ITS THE END OF SUMMER. I GET TO SEE RORY TODAY!!! Umm I'm so excited, haha i'm goin on my first date ever tomarrow. I'm such a loser that my first date is on my first one year annerversy. Oh well, i'm glad its with rory. AHHH I'm sooo excited and thankful and happy and I just can't belive I been with him for a year, its amazing. I wannna marrie him..haha I hope he likes what i got him. I don't think i'v ever been so happy and nevous and just wow its a wierd feelin. AHHH i'll update saturday about what happens while i'm up there.

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 16:48:28 GMT

Well, I went to rorys house and camping..camping was really fun. We took sexy pics on the beach and barbe q stuff and went for a 2 1/2 mile trail walk...IN THE DARK. Sunday I got home from camping, and then I went to rorys. The first day at rorys, I spend the ngiht at lindelys and we went to jessies and Jordens. The rest of the days I stayed at rorys...I love my rory SOO much. I made him dinner one night to, idk I love bein nice to him and makin him happy. Our one year is soo close and I almost got everything tookin care of...idk he just called so i'm off to talk to him

byez

i love krisy, I love rory, I love krissy, I love rory

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 11:24:47 GMT

Hmm I wonder who updated my journal last, hehe! Yeah Krissy and I are goin camping today, untill sunday. Then, sunday lindsey is picking me up and i'm goin to spend the night at her house for somedays then rorys!!! I LOVE RORY :) :). I'm so glad shes letting me stay at her house for a little bit, shes such a nice person, I think I will give her a great big hug and some cookies, OH and gas money, :). I'm in sucha good mood and ITS 7:00 in the morning. THese last couple of days I havn't been a loner lately, and I like it. I just havn't gave a fuck, and had fun. Not the drug huggin fun I usualy have, but the board games with krissy and painting my toe nails fun...matter of fact I think they need a paint job, and stuff so thats what i'm gunna do, paint my nails, and then call rory at 9. Yeah i'm happy

I LOVE RORY

I LOVE KRISSY

Hot dogs and marshmellows yay :)

mmm and one big sausage.

i love krissy i love krissy i love krissy i love krissy i love krissy

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 04:29:07 GMT

i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy
i love krissy

HOOK A NIGGA UP.

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 19:12:19 GMT

Yeah....anyways last night steve and I worked on some of our songs, and I got to see the new lyrics and stuff. We were also vary wasted....ha. Austin adn steve did things that I could only tell my friends haha...I wouldn't post there embarssing drunk behaveor on lifejournal...

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 09:06:45 GMT

today I sleeped untill I could..got up, saw jon *who is doin great* went to work..steves and got drunk and did alot of learnin about my style of singing for the band...and now i am here to drunk to type much more

Jon

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 21:40:16 GMT

He really dosn't know how sick he was...alot of his organs failed the other night. Yesterday he started to feel better and I think everythings gunna be okay. Hes not gunna be better in a week, he will need after care for like 5 years..but in five years about he will be allll better!!!!! Yeah hes funny, he was telling us about his bag in the hostople today, and we messed with his lazor on his figure...hehe, it was cool.
I feel so better that hes gunna be better. I mean, how would jazz be, I think he made it into jazz. IDk i love jazz, um I am soo sleepy. The fuckers woke me up at like eh...10:30. 10:30 AM...MAN...thats early right for me. WOW...I think i'm gunna drink some coffie. I work untill midnight...after that i'm gunna talk to rory and go to bed. wow what day....and its not done yet.

My plan has failed

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 07:06:16 GMT

It seems that being scared and sticking the plan dosn't help me much. See, I'v always just hid my feelings...exsept here, and with rory and steph. I think i'm just gunna hide it all, life goes better that way. I mean i'll tell you how my day went...and how i'm 'feeling' but nothing to deep, anymore. I can't have anyone able to use this agest me. I will not set my self up. Life is pretty shitty at the moment and I just have to pull thew.

i'm scared to let rory get any closer. I think hes all the way there but, I just don't know. The only person who has knew me all the way was steph and, now...shes kinda gone, and she has all this dirt on me and i know she would use it if she had the chance. Well I just don't give a fuck anymore. And when I do start giving a fuck no one will know...except maybe rory because he usualy knows everything that goes on with me even if I don't tell him. Thats scary all in its self because I can't hide around him. Hes the only person who doesn't allow me to be 'locked in a cage' and keeped in side the comfort zones I have created.

I feel he loves me so much that he just wants to see it all, and up untill now I have had no proublem showing him and giving him it all. Well I did untill 6 months, but then I get scared. Not untrusty, but just scared. Hes the only person I really trust with anything, him and krissy. For somereason though I could tell krissy anything becauyse I know she isn't the type of person to use it aggest you. Rory isn't either I just, don't know. I love him, I just somethings think that he dosn't want to hear it, or that i'm making his day like shit by sharing my emotional bull shit with him.....thats all I am...emotional BULL shit....thats all any of this is iz bullll shit,.

Friends, they come and go he says. The way I see it is I don't welcome tomany people in to my life, and vary few people try to get personal with me so, if they leave I feel like I screwed my self. BUT, i'll always be this deperessed S.O.B. cuz thats the shitty life god has planed for me. Atleast for now. Once I start really liveing and seeing rory more and spending mroe time with him...I think i'll be happier and able to not be sooo worried about my feelings with him. He treats me great, its just me, and how I think. Thats why I like gettin high, cuz I don't think so much, I just chill, I wish I was stoned ALLLLL the time. That would great.

Then...after I type alll this I think, what am I thinking duh, I can tell rory everything, nothing will happen, THEN I think everything I type. Maybe theres smoething wrong w/ me. Do they have anything for a scattered brained person....hah. Maybe i'll be better tomarrow

I'm greedy

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 05:24:03 GMT

Jon has H.U.S. I am soo sad. People keep saying he is going to die.

During Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome, the lack of blood flow to the nephrons can cause them to die or be damaged, just as heart muscle can die as the result of coronary vessel occlusion during a heart attack. Dead nephrons do not regenerate. In general, the longer a patient suffers kidney failure, the greater the loss of filtering units as a result. At some point, the damage to the kidneys’ filtering units can be so severe that the patient will, over a period of years, lose kidney function and suffer end-stage renal disease (ESRD), which requires chronic dialysis or transplantation.

In the article by Gagnadouz, et al, 29 children were evaluated 15-25 years after the acute phase of Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome. Only 10 of the 29 children were normal, 12 had hypertension, 3 had chronic renal failure and 4 had end stage renal disease. Severe sequelae occurred in children with oligo/anuria for more than or equal to 7 days. The renal histology was the best predictor of long-term complications. Other studies by Caletti, et al, have also demonstrated that histologic finding of focal and segmental sclerosis and hyalinosis are observed several years following HUS. In that article, only a quarter of the children had normal renal function during long-term follow-up.

Plz i'm baggin, if anyone wants to help, just pray...go and see him.

Steph and me...I dont' think we are friends anymore. It always seems like she wants to be better then me, and if I have something just as good as hers, she just wants to tant it and just make it look bad. She dont' care about me, at least thats what it feels like. I love her so much. I think...that she is such a bitch though, for putting me thew all that she has. Why can't I be in her new life to?? I thought our friendship was one that couldn't be broken....we promice friends FOREVER!!! BESTFRIENDS FOREVER!!!!! FOR FUCKIN EVER!!!!!! It might sound obessive but...i'm goin on being this girls friend for...eh 12 years.
We the first day of school! And her grandma followed me home and we played all day. We hung out in school...and I found out she lived on the same street as me when I went trick or treating...I was at her house everday after that. So...if i'm being to emotional fuck off cuz I really am feeling like I lost something...something like a sister.
I knew jon sence his first day of Jr. High, His locker was right by mine. It was always messy. We were in jazz and band together and I hope to god he recovers from this. I hope he recovers...we need a merical. Jon...he was at our first show...hes our old drummer...i...am...so...lost.

I just don't know what to do, god help me

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 03:19:16 GMT

I seen rory monday and today. I had to go home today :(...I am soo sad cuz I hardly see him. I mean its deeper then that statement but...in a nutshell I just get sooo worked up and sad the say I gotta leave. THe 1st day w/o him sucks. The 2nd day is better, and about the 4th day...thts as good as its gunna get. We had good sex this week...I mean, I just went out. I feel so comfortable around him that I can do anything. He just is soo sweet and hes everything I ever wanted.

So, today we woke up and I kissed him and just layed in bed with him untill he felt me rubbing my hands asscrossed his face and laying my head on his chest. After that we got his moms car, got POP , Juice, and coffee. :) :) After, we ate, got movies and just loved on each other for hours, and hours and hours. Just kissing and cuddling, talking and laughing, just the two of us haing a wonderful time. We kinda get lost in each other, idk he still haves me shivers and smiles.....I LOVE HIM.

While the cuddling session was, well; still in session...we had some really good sex. I mean....I just can't let loose and give it my all. I just feel so free around him, and happy. Its hard to explain, I guess the feelings I get with rory are not about to be explained. This is just something people have to feel for ur self. But, with him, I can just be sexy, and not scared, and idk i'm always giggling I know that. I only giggle around him. I'm so confident, but scared. Its like, I'm scared that I feel so right with someone that I can give them all this, all my feelings, sexuaitly, Secrets TRUST .

::Trust::
Rory is the only guy I can trust. Hes the only person (sence the steph insident) that I can open up to and let down the (proctive) walls around. I think he might know me better then I know my self.

But anyways, the good sex. I hope most of you knows what good sex feels like. It just feels fucking great. I like pokin fun at it, and just ejoying my self...and wow i did do that today. :) :) :):) Haha, I mean it all just went together soo good. I felt soooooo...dirty and I finly figured out that hes not gunna call me gay if I try something new like with anth. I mean 11 months and I finly am 100 % sexualy open with him...and wow its great...great great great...

But the day had to end....and we drove home and...smoked a bowl....of.....crack. Well it was really pot but yeah we smoked a bowl, went and looked in VS and seen some vary sexy landuray, I soooo gotta buy some, I so will. Hahah, sex paycheak more then likly. I might just go to fredric of hollywoods cuz its closer. We also went to spencers, and then my mom showed up..and he kissed me..and we left.

wow i'm tired

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 05:54:38 GMT

Today...I woke up at about 9, then I layed around for a bit. Krissy and I then went and shot a vid for he maggins(is that even how ya spell it) But en ways krissy was pregnet and I had herprys :) haha. Angella was a whore and grace was a nun and maggin *god how do you spell their names* well she was gay. Then I came home and went to band practice. After that I went to krissys house and played a bitchin game of monopoly..

INHALE

Come one and all and see the broken man, talking to himself
He sits and waits for something better, he'll never find it here
The people touch his hair and pinch his cheek; he can't even feel it

There it goes again, he's listening to someone
He hears the bitter laughter
And all he wants to know is…

Why------ does any of it matter? (I can't take it anymore)
You've gotta try------ the inhale that makes the exhale so much better

He wipes his hands on anything in reach, he never feels clean
He shakes at night because his nerve is gone, every muscle hurts
Come one and all and see what happened…that broken man is me

There it goes again, I can hear it louder
It doesn't feel good anymore
All I want to know is…

Why------ does any of it matter? (I can't take it anymore)
You've gotta try------ the inhale that makes the exhale so much better

NOW I KNOW I DISAPPEAR!
I CAN'T FIND MY WAY FROM OUT OF HERE!
EVERYTHING IS FADING ON ME!
SOMEONE TELL ME… someone tell me…
Someone - tell me

Why------ does any of it matter? (I can't take it anymore)
You've gotta try------ the inhale that makes the exhale so much better

WHY?! YOU'VE GOTTA TRY!!

--Stone Sour--

Easy little song but it kicks ass.....

um I guess i'm for sure in that cover band. Hey dude I think people might accualy pay for stuff like that and...idk we might make money well I know we will make money. There is no way i'm leavin the band I am in now though......

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 17:37:09 GMT

Well...heres the d/l. Eddie, well he needs that neon. I guess nothing can go right. I don't have the right tools or smarts to fix my car, I cna't get more driving hours in untillI get a car. This is all bullshit. MOst parents let there kids drive. Fuck all this. If someone will help me I will be vary happy, and untill someone helps me I don't think I will have a car. I need to fix this so I can sell it.....

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 22:34:31 GMT

Well...today I seen rory. We went to cort witch took about 2 hours. >:o Then I got home and took a nap...yay. Woke up at 2 or three and worked on the car untill about a half hour ago. I got everything tooken off except two bults. I guess I need some other tool to get it off that we don't have. Thats what eddie and John says.
yeah i'll update later...i'm goin to stephs and my mom is bitchin

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 18:18:59 GMT

Yesterday we played josh fest...I think we did great. Three bands played...:-/ but I think it went will. um I miss rory? lol idk i'll up date later

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 14:56:38 GMT

Yeah its been a while sence I last updated. I just couldn't because all the pop ups just wouldn't allow me to go on the internet. I got ad-aware 6.0 I works great. I think I'll buy the whole program. Hmm...Well the last time I seen rory was in June.....june what I don't know but its been a while sence I last seen him. When we were comming back from his house for him to drop me off we recked his moms neon. The Throtal cable broke...(uh how do you spell Tha-tol) Now we are going to cort this thrusday to fight the reckless driving ticket. I hope we win because how is it reckless driving if you don't move.
Yeah...the band is doing great. We have 5 songs of our own and the metalica medly almost done. We might record a song for steves uncle movie, or just use the instermenal. I am vary excited about all of this. Our new drummer frank is fucking awesome, vary cute and nice. You all now how funny and extermly talented austen is. And you all have seen how much steve has improved, going from Nervana to Metallica solos. Dan is the tool masta lol. Me.....all I know is I sing vary well, and this band is making me try new things besides christina agulera and britney spears. Like our Metallica medly. MAN, thats an experices. So yeah i'm excited.

I work at McDondles now...I guess thats cool. I am doing alot better then I thought I would and if I keep to this maybe they will work me full time next summer so I can pay for my sinor pics and make my car better....I soooo need that bitch fixed. I will talk to mr. frank about it today. well It hink I wrote enought. untill next time

Babbitt

I love RORY

Sat, 29 May 2004 14:25:05 GMT

K...I got the most awesome cd yesterday for 4 dollers....metal of the masses volume II.......I suggest you all go and buy the mother fucker cuz eh...well its bad ass. 20 songs on cd and 150 songs + of mp3s...its soo coooool, and its all metal. Differnt kinds of metal. I THINK..this is my new favorite cd...givin I still love my lamb of god cd rory got me. WOOT WOOT....i'm in a better mood.

Thu, 27 May 2004 01:35:10 GMT

i'v been on my period for 10 days.....lifes hell....what else to you mother fuckers got to know......so fuck off

Wed, 26 May 2004 00:10:51 GMT

I just spend a bunch of time up dating this adn then it messed up....I hate this damn computer

Sun, 09 May 2004 02:29:06 GMT

yeah I havn't updated in a while but shit has been pretty good. I'v been so busy that I don't even have time to whipe my ass or breathe but other then that shit is pretty damn good

EH anyone want impalement tickets for june 4th leave me a comment or call me

Life------work...work and school.....can't wait untill school is fuckin over....fuck YEAH

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 12:48:12 GMT

Yeah its been a while sence I up dated. Lets see what I have been up to.
Last Friday rory spent the night. I love him so much!! I rub his back forever, he rubbed my feet and in the morning I made him brakefast. We havn't seen each other for 5 weeks sence then. Other then that I have been working and going to school. I am off for spring brake now. Yesterday I took brandon out to walmart with me and got some new pillows, a dvd and candles. Then I went out to tubbys with Adem and jeff. They are so cool. I'm kinda pissed cuz I don't want them to beat the fuck outta seth. Idk I'm gunna write more, later maybe tomarrow. Peace

I love rory

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 14:43:05 GMT

its been to long sence I seen my baby. I just need him right now. I havn't seen him for almost 4 weeks....next friday will be our 7th months. I want him so much. I can't wait till the day we can just be together and really start our realationship.

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 14:15:47 GMT

Yeah this weekend was awesome. Friday I went to the roseville theater and seen As Dawn Falls, I didn't relize how good they where. I more then likly looked like a moron cuz was just trathin around, but honstly do you think I care how dumb I look? Satuday I went driving, stop by guitar center and guess who I saw on there way to my house. MY RORY his mommy and his friend kile. IT was such a surpise. He always surpises me, I love him so much and I miss that basterd. Hes been at his friends all weekend, but thats okay cuz I SEEN RORY YESTERDAY hehe. What else is new. Today I don't know what i'm gunna do more then likly the usual...haha. So i'm out...

just tryin something new...don't know if it works yet

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 14:14:57 GMT

just tryin something new...don't know if it works yet